Amidst all of the factual evidence that Chuck Norris possesses the ability to do anything he pleases, one fact stands out in particular: when Norris hit the internet, he curb-stomped his unmistakable fables into our memories and punched his indelible love into our hearts. Do not be confused, this is no biography. This is Chuck Norris from the perspective of the internet: how the man with the beard robbed the international community of its sweet dreams.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris

There comes a point in time when every boy becomes a man. In order to elaborate, however, a bit of background is required. For Chuck Norris, the divorce of his Irish mother and drunkard of a Cherokee father back in Oklahoma caused his relocation to Kansas and California as a young man. After high school, Chuck Norris was an antisocial sapling of an adolescent, only to be saved by the military. By the age of 18, Norris enlisted in the United States Air Force as an Air Policeman and was stationed in South Korea. There, Chuck Norris earned several black belts in Tang Soo Do while gradually developing his own form known as Chun Kuk Do. After returning to the states and being relieved of his military duties, Norris out his machismo to the test in the International Karate Championships.

 Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories

 

Loss. Loss. Loss. Norris saw many defeats before he truly earned his crown. In 1969, he avenged his upset and perpetuated his inauguration of six consecutive Professional Middleweight Karate champion titles. As if that wasn’t enough, 1969 also saw to Norris winning the Triple Crown of Karate and being declared as Black Belt Magazine’s Fighter of the Year. Evidently, Norris was quickly becoming a man of legend.

Chuck Norris is the reason that Waldo is hiding

Welcome to America. Now that Norris was a internationally recognized “rising star,” it was only a matter of time before he hit the silver screen. Although one could spend a lifetime detailing the epic odyssey of Chuck Norris through the exhilarating wonders of Hollywood, one must focus on his two most precious masterpieces: Way/Return of the Dragon and Walker Texas Ranger. At a demonstration in Long Beach, California during his reign of International Champion, Norris met fellow martial artist Bruce Lee in 1972. After staring as Lee’s mortal enemy, Norris gained immediate stardom and was encouraged to take acting lessons to incorporate more dialogue into his primarily action-focus roles. A series of movies passed seamlessly, until the late 80′s that is. His theatrical presence faded over time, and his name began to fall alongside of it. In 1993, Norris made the transition to television on a new show: CBS’ Walker Texas Ranger. We all love WTR, whether for the iconic roundhouse kick or the inspirational bludgeoning of traditional morals.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves

Norris is more than a beard with a concealed fist: he is a comedy goldmine. In late 2004, comedian and host of the Late Night talk show Conan O’Brien began using video segments of WTR as material for hyperbolic jokes about his immense body hair, overbearing sensitivity, and apathetic brutality against sinners. To these jokes, Norris was a willing target: the publicity spread the show’s morality while allowing him to make frequent on-air appearances to a well-known television show. To Norris, the jokes were flattering. To the rest of the world, this was only the beginning.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendents are now known as giraffes

In 2005, shortly after Conan began incorporating Norris into his routine, Chuck Norris’ masculinity shot into internet virility. A meme, known as “Chuck Norris Facts,” boosted the actor into a figurative immortality. As an internet phenomenon, Norris can not only do the impossible, but embodies the capability to transcend any social stigmas. Jesus can walk on water? Norris can swim on land. You can count to 1,000,000? Norris can count to infinity – twice. Such became the life of the Chun Kuk Do master. Where once stood the fragile body of a mortal man, a god replaced his feeble being once the jokes went viral.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together

What does this say about society? That we idolize violence and brutality, finding solace in machismo over sensitivity? One could argue that such admiration could be interpreted as a surplus of power, but a case can be made for both arguments.  In theory, Chuck Norris is capable of becoming Nietzsche’s Übermensch. Comparatively, the Übermensch, or Superman, theory can be interpreted with both positive and negative definitions of humanity. In Nietzsche’s point of view, a man should strive to become the Übermensch, a form of man that is superior to the rest. By these means, “Chuck Norris Facts” push Norris into the Nietzschean ideology of idolatry. From the other perspective, Russian authors like Dostoyevsky believed that the Übermensch was too powerful, powerful enough to get away with the most extreme crimes without penal limitation. How does Chuck Norris compare? Well in response to discovering that “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live,” Norris refutes the claim with modesty and respect. With the utmost stolidity, Norris reminds the cesspools of the internet that the corny lessons at the end of each episode of Walker Texas Ranger should never be taken lightly. In an explosion of nostalgic significance, Norris responds to his own joke:

It’s funny. It’s cute. But here’s what I really think about the theory of evolution: it’s not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures. By the way, without Him, I don’t have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things — and so can you.

References

http://www.zastavki.com/pictures/1680×1050/2011/Men_Chuck_Norris_027209_.jpg

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/chuck-norris-top-50-facts

http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/story?id=2582517&page=1

http://articles.latimes.com/1988-09-02/news/li-2090_1_chuck-norris